Imām Ḥasan (ʿa) has said: “No one goes for counseling except that they are guided towards maturity.”

A lot of the time, couples will reach out to a therapist when they feel all other paths have been tried and there is no more hope. It is a common misconception that couples counseling is only for when there are problems that have escalated to the point of considering divorce.

So, when is couples counseling useful, and what could it look like at each stage?

  1. Premarital Counseling
  2. Counseling for Core Disagreements
  3. Counseling Before Life Changes
  4. Counseling when divorce seems like a reality

What to know before couples counseling:

Imām ʿAlī (ʿa) said: “Seeking counsel has been highly emphasised because the opinion of the counselor is unadulterated, whereas the opinion of the one seeking counsel is polluted with his own whims.”

It’s not just about the relationship. Often, couples go in thinking counseling will be about disagreements; unfortunately, they may think it is like a mediator who will declare a winner. But counseling will delve deeper than surface-level disagreements. It may start there, but the disagreements often speak to a bigger picture that talks to the individual’s needs, attachment style, and fears. Just like other therapies, it will require you as an individual and as a couple to do deeper work. Essentially, both the therapist and the couple share a goal: to make the relationship not only work but to thrive, and for that, the individuals in the relationship need to be addressed.

1. Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling helps set the stage for married life. The couple entering marriage is new to the relationship and to the concept of marriage, so premarital counseling can build a strong foundation and help them learn effective communication and conflict-resolution skills. It can also help the couple explore expectations around family dynamics, roles, intimacy, and future goals. All couples will disagree, but it is how you treat each other during the disagreement that changes your relationship. Therefore, learning prevention skills such as compassionate communication, emotional regulation, recognizing and receiving love, and more can help prevent disagreements from escalating and becoming personal.

2. Counseling for Core Disagreements

Some couples may seek counseling when they notice core disagreements. These can be recurring arguments or long-standing points of tension, such as issues with in–laws, parenting, finances, or philosophical differences. The couple can work with the counselor to understand why these issues keep resurfacing. The therapist can help the couple understand the needs and emotions underneath the recurring disagreements.

3. Counseling Before Life Changes

Life changes include: having a baby, moving, career shifts, and illness. Couples can choose to work with a counselor to prepare emotionally and practically for major transitions. Many unspoken feelings and worries come with major life events, so working with a trusted therapist in a safe space can help the couple stay connected and aligned during stressful, uncertain times. They can gain practical tips, such as creating rituals or learning how to handle stressful conversations. They will also learn how to co-regulate, foster safety, and build resilience in themselves.

4. Counseling When Divorce Seems Like a Reality

Many times, couples will feel like there is no other possibility other than divorce, and they will seek out counseling to see if reconciliation is possible. The process can be difficult because resentment would have built up by this time. Counselors can work with the couple to de-escalate conflict and rebuild trust if both partners are willing to do so. They can also help process pain, loss, and unmet needs, allowing for healing and/or clarity for rebuilding the relationship or achieving closure.

Best Practices:

It is crucial that the couple discuss counseling together before making the decision, and take time to meet with potential therapists to see if they would be a good fit. It is also important to remember that therapy is usually once a week, but the work put in goes beyond the sessions. Marriage is a beautiful journey that naturally has ups and downs; it is not that we avoid the downs, but that we know how to navigate them.