Disclaimer: This article may be activating for you if you have had a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Not everyone’s experiences will be the same, and this article does not represent every type of grief and its impact
Out of all the grief I’ve experienced, the one that has been the most impactful on my mental health has been my miscarriages. There is a societal expectation that miscarriages are not true losses but rather just medical events. It’s something that happens to you, not someone you’ve lost. And in the technicalities and procedures of it all, you’re often left alone with unprocessed grief.
Having gone through my journey with two miscarriages, I know firsthand that this grief—though quiet—can have a significant impact on your mental health.
There are a few reasons for this:
1. You’re grieving not only your baby but also your hopes and dreams
When you first find out you’re pregnant, there’s an immediate sense of hope—hope for a new chapter in your life and a new family member. You begin to imagine the future with them. This loss of hope is experienced immediately and intensely.
2. The Grief is Unique to you.
As a mother, you are the only one who truly feels the baby growing. No one else met this baby, and while your husband or family may be involved in the experience, your body has already begun changing with the pregnancy.
You feel the cramps, the breast tenderness, the fatigue—signs that others may not understand in the same way. The grief becomes deeply personal, often invisible to those around you.
3. There’s Pain and Trauma involved.
Miscarriage is not just an emotional experience; it is a physical one. Whether it happens naturally or requires a medical procedure, there is pain and, in many cases, bodily trauma. You’re enduring physical symptoms, which often overshadow the emotional experience. Because miscarriage is common or because it’s framed as a medical event, the emotional trauma can often go unaddressed.
4. Well-meaning people often say the wrong things.
Even people who’ve experienced miscarriage themselves may speak to you from a place of survival, trying to remain positive or offering advice that isn’t helpful or needed. For example, you might hear comments like, “Try again, you’re still young,” or, “At least you still have your health.” While these comments come from a good place, they can often minimize the pain of the loss and make you feel misunderstood.
And there’s so much more. Each person’s grief journey is unique, and it takes its own time to process.
The impact of miscarriage can ripple into feelings of self-doubt, disappointment, and inadequacy. It can affect your sense of womanhood, strain relationships, and even create intimacy challenges within your marriage. The grief may manifest in different ways—bitterness toward your marriage, anger at God or others, self-deprecation, guilt, fear, and more.
This is why it’s so important to process and understand your grief. Speaking with a professional can help you navigate these deep, complex emotions—emotions you may be suppressing or may not feel allowed to have. It’s equally essential to lean on friends and family who understand and to create a safe space to express your feelings.
Most importantly, never despair. In Islam, miscarriage is not seen as a punishment from Allah. The way miscarriage is discussed in the hadith reminds us that Allah (swt) does not test us beyond what we can bear. We will always be tested in three areas: our children, wealth, and possessions. Finding strength and closeness to Allah through these trials is crucial for healing.
I often return to this Qur’anic verse:
Allah knows what every female carries [in her womb], and what the wombs reduce and what they increase, and everything is by [precise] measure with Him. (Qur’an 13:8)
And this hadith:
Prophet Muhammad (ṣ) said: “Get married so that on the Day of Judgment, I can be proud of your (high) numbers. Even a miscarried child, who will stand in anticipation at the doors of Paradise when they are told to enter Paradise, will reply: ‘I will not enter Paradise until my parents enter before me.’” (Makārim al-Akhlāq, Vol. 1, P. 196)
This verse helps me remember that Allah (swt) is aware of every moment of my life and that I don’t need to hold onto control during my miscarriage. The hadith reassures me that this world is temporary and I will be reunited with my babies in the next world. The reunion will be a true blessing.
Acknowledging Grief and Breaking the Silence Around Miscarriage
This blog aims to highlight the importance of acknowledging and processing grief. Miscarriage can ripple into many parts of your life—affecting relationships, self-esteem, and even your faith.
Another goal is to bring awareness to this topic, which is often stigmatized. Many people choose to keep their grief private, avoiding sharing it with close friends or family. That is a personal choice, but I want you to know that I see you and empathize with your pain.
My prayers are with all those who are trying to conceive and who have experienced or continue to experience losses. May Allah grant you ease in your journey and provide you with offspring and contentment.
